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                        太原
                         歡迎訪問德育新時空!
                        家庭教育的本質,不是教化,是交流與理解!
                        2019年06月15日 20:16來源:網絡轉載 閱讀量: 282

                        01

                        在高鐵上看到一對父子。父親一直跟兒子講成功學,從馬云、任正非講到王健林,告誡兒子要好好學習,不能一事無成。兒子開始在玩手機游戲,后來索性假裝睡覺。

                        任何人都能看出來,他在父親面前豎起了一道屏障,他們之間是隔絕的,父親很急,像一團火,兒子冷淡,像一塊冰。

                        這是很多為人父母者的痛。

                        那個嬰兒期,把你當作全世界的孩子,你天天見他,為他出錢出力,操心著急,卻不知什么時候,已經失去了他。他的世界你進不去,你的話題他不關心。

                        這種心理上的失去,比真正的失去,更讓人無能為力。你明明還愛他,對他充滿期待,卻無論用多大的力氣都沒辦法改變他,甚至你越用力,他離你越遠。

                        教育到底出了什么問題?

                        明明都是盡職盡責的父母。

                        教育界的金句“陪伴是最好的愛”,害得很多職業女性對孩子說對不起,甚至辭職回家做全職太太。其實只有陪伴遠遠不夠。如果你的陪伴像監獄和牢籠,陪伴越多,孩子越差。

                        我們容易將陪伴錯誤地理解為守護,其實陪伴不僅僅是一個時間概念,而是交流的質量。交流的質量好,陪伴一小時勝過守護10小時。

                        通暢的交流與溝通是一切關系的基礎,沒有交流的關系是在心理上的彼此失去。

                        02

                        林真理子的小說《平民之宴》最近在家長圈傳得很火,觸痛了在教育上兢兢業業卻走入死胡同的家長。

                        小說里的由美子是一個全職媽媽,對兒子寄予厚望,送他讀不錯的學校,上很貴的培優班,風雨無阻地為孩子送上熱乎乎的便當。讀高中的兒子翔,卻厭學離家出走。

                        由美子什么時候開始失去兒子?

                        當翔第一次希望像一個成年人,好好跟母親談談開始。翔告訴母親,自己不想做別人眼里的成功人士,只想當個平凡的打工仔。由美子正義凜然而又痛心疾首地說——一事無成?開什么玩笑,我們這樣的家庭根本不可能出這樣的人。你外公是醫生,你爸爸早稻田畢業,就連你媽,也是上過大學的人……

                        當孩子終于鼓足勇氣,向父母露出柔軟的疼痛與脆弱的傷口,他們期待的不是被嘲諷、被教育,而是被理解、被認可。這方面,太多家長輸在過分認真、三觀太正上。

                        一個做兒童教育的朋友跟我講過一個故事。有一天他13歲的女兒說:“我想自殺。”

                        他淡定地回答:“活著確實辛苦。不過,青少年自殺是要上社會新聞的。大家都會猜測我們虐待你,是狠心又愚蠢的狼媽虎爸。爸爸說不定連工作都得丟,畢竟我是老師。唉,又沒辦法跟人解釋,我只是尊重女兒的選擇,這是教育工作者應該做的……”

                        他認真的可憐樣兒把女兒逗笑了。

                        后來女兒說,覺得自己的父母很牛。她同桌也跟父母說過要自殺,父母發瘋似地罵他,他媽邊哭邊打了她一個耳光。

                        他女兒現18歲,跟他無話不談。他很自豪,告訴我,真正成功的家庭教育,是孩子即使到了青春期,還愿意跟父母好好說話。

                        家庭教育的本質,不是教化,是交流與理解。能讓孩子釋放負面情緒的家庭,溫暖有愛;懂得聆聽的父母,也懂教育。

                        03

                        有個親戚的孩子,高中戀愛,離家出走了。找回來以后,跟父母的關系到了冰點。父母找我,委屈地說對女兒的教育盡心盡力,好話說盡。我說你們的交流出了問題,她母親睜大眼睛說:“怎么可能?我每天都跟她說,要好好學習,嘴皮都磨破了。”

                        可這不是交流,是單方面的說教。真正的交流,是像最貼心的朋友一樣:你的一切我都懂,你的不好我接納。

                        中國父母最大的問題是“大主角”意識太強,三觀極正,永遠一副我比你懂、我比你高級的臉。甚至一激動,連“不聽老人言,吃虧在眼前”這種近于詛咒的話都說得出來。

                        孩子屬于未來,而父母屬于過去。教育的前提,是認同與跟隨。如果他不認同你,你就沒辦法教育他。而想獲得孩子的認同,你首先要認同你的孩子。

                        講認同這個問題,很多家長有一個困惑——他的想法那么蠢,我也認同嗎?

                        當然。

                        無論多離譜的想法,他愿意跟你講,就是跟你親,你唯一的選擇是珍惜這種信任。

                        04

                        孩子在父母面前表露出的脆弱不堪、陰暗不甘,是撒嬌,試探,發泄,更是他們獨特的溝通方式。每個人的成長,都要經歷無數次心理地震,父母不能做他們的后盾,他們就會慢慢關閉交流這扇門。

                        少時,你不想聽他說“混賬話”,以后,可能就永遠聽不到他說真話了。

                        凡事講三觀,永遠擺一副大家長臉孔的人,最大的問題是永遠不相信自己的孩子。總覺得少說一句,孩子就變壞。

                        可世上的事就是那么奇怪,你越擔心他學壞,他越學壞。因為即使孩子,也討厭永遠被壓抑、被定義。就像《平民之宴》里的廢柴兒子,當母親堅定地認為世上只有一種成功、一種生活時,他的所有離經叛道,其實是為了向父母證明,我可以過另一種人生。

                        經常有人談論窮養富養的問題,其實原生家庭的好,不在于物質,而是平等與信任,是交流的順暢與彼此的理解。

                        能放心大膽地在父母面前坦露陰暗面的孩子不容易變壞。他們相信愛,懂得愛,人生自然而然地向著光明那方。

                        他們不會把挫折當成失敗,因為從父母那里,他們得到了做自己的底氣:無論你是什么樣的人,都不會失去被信任的權利;你的人生,不是被某一次考試,某一次成敗定義的。

                        [出處:泰州市婦聯]

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                        晉ICP備16002361號-2 

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