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                        孩子不禮貌,教ta懂規矩,是對還是錯?
                        2019年06月08日 09:45來源:網絡轉載 閱讀量: 286

                        孩子不禮貌,教ta懂規矩,是對還是錯?

                        提問者:

                        我一直有個疑惑,當孩子做錯事情,比如對他人不禮貌,不好好說話發脾氣大吼大叫時,我們應當如何做?看越多的心理學的知識,就越擔心自己對孩子的批評正不正確。但是又覺得有些道理必須要交給孩子呀,這會打擾孩子嗎?怎么辦呢?

                        什么是對什么是錯?

                        我的腦海中出現了拉扯的三方:孩子、父母、科普文章。

                        三者的關系是:科普文章能告訴父母育兒方式的對與錯,父母能告訴孩子處事方式的對與錯——他們仿佛是通過告訴對方“什么是對、什么是錯”來聯結的。這種聯結方式難免讓身處其中的人感到僵硬、無措,和緊繃。

                        就像這位媽媽擔心對孩子的批評是否正確,會不會打擾孩子一樣。我在寫這篇文章時也擔心自己會傳遞出批評的意味,擺出說教的姿勢,會擔心是否會加重媽媽的疑惑?切身體會到兩個方向的情感:想幫媽媽(孩子),又擔心會傷害到媽媽(孩子)。

                        如此忐忑的心情,是因為內心中有一把刻著“對錯”的劍懸在半空中。

                        “對錯”背后是恐懼,就像小孩擔心做錯事會招到父母指責和懲罰。

                        “對錯”背后是憤怒,就像孩子欲求被簡單粗暴地否決一樣。

                        “對錯”背后是不安,似乎只有做對才能避免想象中的危險。

                        “對錯”背后是疑惑,世界多元復雜碎片化的知識唾手可得。難免會問:究竟什么是對,什么是錯?

                        從效率角度上講,事情按“對錯”一刀切,法律也是這樣,執行起來最方便快捷。但人心卻感性豐富,特別是未內化社會準則的孩子,內心的感受就更加細微和敏感。父母卻已經學會了最有效率的辦事方法,不可避免給孩子柔軟的內心樹立規則,碰撞與沖突就發生了。

                        父母與孩子運用不同的視角看待世界

                        家里來了客人,如果孩子沒有主動上前打招呼,父母一般會告訴孩子要叫“阿姨好”、“叔叔好”;如果孩子像客人大聲說話,父母會告訴孩子別嚷嚷。在這里我認為,父母的態度比行為本身更重要。

                        很多時候父母從自己的角度看待世界,卻沒想到孩子是如何看待同樣的場景。如果站在孩子的視角你會發現事情是這樣的。家里來了一位客人,對孩子來說這是個陌生的人,見面的一剎那,孩子或許并不知道如何把陌生的客人納入自己感知的世界里。

                        孩子的個性不同,有些孩子比較依戀人,能看快和陌生人親近;有些孩子比較慢熱、膽怯,會通過展示自己的玩具的方式,讓陌生人進入到自己的過渡空間從而建立聯系。

                        父母用“處世之道”要求孩子會帶來什么?

                        如果爸媽用嚴厲、苛責的語氣嚴肅地告訴孩子:“還不快叫阿姨、叔叔”?孩子會受到驚嚇,內心的安全過渡空間瞬間崩塌,內心更加退縮強撐著叫了聲“阿姨、叔叔”。孩子與父母的互動,是孩子內心世界形成的鏡子。這樣的互動次數多了,留在孩子心底的是爸媽嚴厲的表情和大聲的呵責,以及“我只有必須笑面迎人才會受歡迎”等?

                        強制要求可能讓孩子學會的是用規則和假我和他人互動,內心涌動的是恐懼、自卑、和被壓抑的憤怒(每個孩子千差萬別對孩子內心造成的影響也不同)。允許孩子以自己的節奏接近陌生人,孩子會用自己的方式接近陌生人,這讓孩子感到在關系中更具有掌控感更安全。

                        如果父母能更細致的發現孩子的感受,并用語言捕捉孩子的內心世界:“剛才我看到你見到客人時有些害怕,是不是因為第一次見面還比較陌生啊?”這會幫助孩子理解自己的情緒,發展語言的能力,以及學習和自己的情緒相處。

                        孩子的情緒失控是怎么回事?

                        如果孩子朝客人嚷嚷。很可能是孩子的情緒控制力還沒完善,還不能做到像大人一般收放自如。可能是在幼兒園里被老師批評或和小朋友相處不愉快而積累了情緒壓力沒有消化掉,也可能是擔心被客人忽視用大的聲音吸引注意力,需要通過大聲嚷嚷釋放壓力。

                        父母也可以試著觀察一下自己的內心世界,在孩子大聲嚷嚷時自己的體驗是什么?是厭煩、被驚嚇、還是對孩子的失控不知所措?

                        我們通常習慣于受到刺激直接做出反應,這反應后的行為是既沒有消化掉孩子的情緒也沒有消化掉自己的情緒。

                        “容器”這個概念在心理科普文里說了又說,足以說明其重要性。爸媽是孩子情緒的容器,也是自己情緒的容器。停留、覺察、理解再做出反應。

                        [出處:曾奇峰心理工作室]

                        技術支持:太原市海匯通網絡科技有限公司  聯系電話:0351-2367909  監督電話:13835135938

                        晉ICP備16002361號-2 

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