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                         歡迎訪問德育新時空!
                        媽媽是原因制造者,也是問題解決者
                        2017年01月09日 13:18來源:網絡轉載閱讀量: 272
                        孩子的問題行為源起何處呢?是與生俱來的,還是在成長過程中出現的?當然性格怪僻的孩子發生問題行為的概率會更高一些。因為性格怪僻所以受到的壓力會更多,而這些壓力最后很有可能就會通過問題行為的方式表現出來。所以在某些心理學書中這樣寫道:“性格怪僻的孩子的媽媽運氣不太好,她們往往要比其他媽媽多付出2~3倍的努力。”可見這樣的孩子有多難養育。而除了這種特殊的情況外,孩子大多數的心理問題都是因成長過程或養育環境而產生的。

                        媽媽是問題制造者?

                        6歲的智雨正在接受游戲治療,因為不安癥狀太過嚴重,只要一會兒見不到媽媽就會大聲哭喊,只要有稍微不順心的地方,就會躺在地上大喊大叫。而智雨媽媽從不告訴周邊的人智雨正在接受治療。因為這會讓她產生負罪感,仿佛是因為自己沒有教好孩子才會這樣。況且即便接受治療,孩子也不會很快恢復。

                        她一直努力溫柔地對待孩子,不去教訓孩子,但孩子反而變本加厲,這樣一來有時候她就會抑制不住去謾罵孩子。雖然接受了游戲治療后孩子的情況有所好轉,但只要她發過一次火后就會恢復原狀。這時她便會被游戲治療師責備。

                        “您好,本來孩子最近已經好多了,今天卻突然變得很抑郁。做游戲的時候也很激動,甚至罵人。在家里是不是發生什么事了?就算生氣也不能訓孩子,要先了解孩子為什么發脾氣,為什么傷心,而且還要多表揚孩子。”

                        本來是為了孩子好,才支付如此高的費用進行游戲治療,結果卻一下子功虧一簣了,孩子媽媽甚至產生了要和治療師理論的想法。“話不能這樣說,不是接受治療了嗎?那就算像以前那樣發火孩子也應該有所改變才對啊,訓一次孩子就變得和原來一樣,那還治療做什么?”

                        不論接受什么樣的心理治療,只要媽媽不改變,那也是白白浪費時間和金錢。因為媽媽還是會不斷制造各種心理問題,所以歸根結底媽媽還是原因的制造者。仔細想一想,問題的制造者是一個人,而問題的解決者是另一個人,那問題也只能來回反復而已。

                        那么作為問題的制造者,作為孩子希望得到關愛的對象,如果媽媽改變一些,結果又會如何呢?顯而易見,雖然媽媽是很多問題的制造者,但媽媽同時也是問題的最好解決者。不要只做“問題的制造者”,嘗試著去安撫孩子受傷的心靈,成為孩子需要的“治愈系的媽媽”。

                        媽媽,要扮演怎樣的角色?

                        在專家們看來,孩子出現問題行為的最主要原因還是在于主要撫養人——媽媽。這句話并沒有錯,但重要的是沒有哪個媽媽是故意為之的。在養育孩子的過程中,媽媽們往往會調動自己所有的育兒知識,但有時也會不自覺地使用一些嚴厲的方式,當然這也不是故意的。媽媽們雖然是問題制造者,卻也傾盡了全力。

                        現在最重要的問題是如何用正確的方法養育孩子。能夠為傷心的孩子療傷,能夠培養孩子好學的習慣,健康地成長。努力幫助孩子成長,不要再做問題的制造者。

                        媽媽對孩子的影響是絕對的。與媽媽之間沒有形成穩定情感紐帶的孩子心里往往很不安,所以遇到一點小事就會受傷,也很容易做出問題行為。而且不論進行什么樣的輔導,都很難很快地好起來,而且就算好起來,也很容易反復,這都是因為受到了媽媽的影響。

                        其實大部分孩子在接受治療的時候都是快樂的。因為輔導老師能夠給他們帶去安慰,并能夠陪他們一起做游戲,這讓他們感到幸福。所以他們會期待去治療,并希望治療的時間不要那么快結束。而孩子喜歡去治療的最大原因還是在于他們能夠得到不曾從媽媽那里得到過的,或者更確切地說是想要從媽媽那里得到的愛與關心。加之每到這一天媽媽就會變得尤為親切,不僅會給自己買好吃的,還會很溫柔地說話,所以孩子會感到更加快樂。也許孩子真正期待的是能夠見到自己夢寐以求的媽媽。

                        也正是如此他們才那么害怕治療時間的結束,因為這會讓他們感到不安。一是害怕幸福時光就這樣結束了,二是害怕自己又開始做壞事。而內心深處最重要的擔憂還是“害怕媽媽回到原來的樣子,又開始訓自己、嘮叨自己”。

                        媽媽,請呵護我脆弱的心!

                        曾經有孩子在結束治療后這樣對我說:“沒有任何人,能夠這樣地聽我講話,這樣地陪我玩,這樣地教我,這樣地對我好,只有這里。”換句話說,孩子其實是希望自己的媽媽也能夠這樣做。

                        媽媽之所以要做出改變還有一個更重要的理由,那就是孩子在一天天長大。以前一周只接受一次治療就足以恢復的孩子,升到高年級后會遇到比現在更多的困難。

                        媽媽還是原來的媽媽,孩子卻遇到了越來越多的困難,這樣一來就算繼續治療也無法跟上孩子受挫受傷的速度。如果媽媽們還是不知道如何應對孩子每天在學校遇到的各種事情,還是不知道如何了解孩子的真實想法,那么孩子很難成為一個堅強的人。

                        現在就是抉擇的關頭:是繼續做傷害孩子的原因制造者呢,還是做一個知錯認錯,懂得激勵孩子,能夠與孩子一起成長的媽媽呢?

                        在孩子的成長過程中,媽媽也一直在做抉擇,抉擇自己究竟要做一個怎樣的母親。一直以來媽媽們都為照顧孩子的身體,促進孩子的智力發育盡心盡力,而現在則要開始為孩子內心的成長做準備了。

                        孩子在呼吁“媽媽,請幫助我獲得內心的成長!”讓我們幫助孩子排憂解難,讓孩子成為一個能夠努力學習,與小朋友和睦相處的幸福的孩子。能夠和孩子一起成長的媽媽才是最幸福的。

                        給媽媽的小貼士

                        媽媽的內在孩童(inner child)

                        有時候媽媽們雖然知道很多方法,卻不想去為孩子做。那么媽媽們為什么會不愿意呢?也許正是因為在媽媽的內心里也隱藏著一個受傷的孩子,不是嗎?

                        內在孩童是指小時候正常的心理欲求沒有得到滿足,或受到傷害從而沒有得到成長的人格。雖然身體長大了,也做了媽媽,但媽媽心里也有一個傷心的孩子,所以最先做的就是要安撫這個孩子,讓她先得到成長。

                        為什么孩子一哭我就不耐煩呢?

                        為什么我不能輕易原諒孩子的失誤呢?

                        為什么孩子纏著我,我就想逃脫呢?

                        如果找不到答案,不妨先想一想,住在媽媽心里的這個孩子原來是怎樣的。

                        承擔起家庭的重擔做問題的犧牲羊?挑起問題吸引注意的問題兒童?父母不盡責,而承擔起照顧弟弟妹妹角色的少年家長?父母一方沒有承擔起配偶的責任,而成為代理爸爸或代理媽媽?又或者被忽視、遺棄的孩子?再或者總是讓步,聽命于人的順從者?

                        小小的孩子承擔起這樣多的角色是多么痛苦,多么傷心的事啊!所以現在要給她以安撫。

                        張開雙手擁抱自己,并對自己說:

                        “你真的很辛苦。沒人理解你一定很傷心吧。我來安慰你。不管怎樣一直以來你都做得很好。了不起,值得被表揚。”

                        雖然這個方法有些讓人不好意思,但不妨買個人偶作為“小時候的我”,抱著她聊聊天還是很有幫助的。或者自己給自己寫信也可以。

                        媽媽自己來擁抱、疼愛這個可憐的、沒有得到過關愛的“孩子”。

                        這樣心里的悲傷與憤怒就會漸漸消散,這樣一來我們也可以更好地去愛我們的孩子。

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